The New York Times
by Monoculus-equals-Kanundrum
Summary: The New York Times is a debating newspaper, but it's a little funny. I think there will be 10 chapters in all. COMPLETE AT LAST! Sorry all you NY Times shippers. If there are any...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry if it's short. I have to explain something.

If you didn't get my test, that's ok. I am going to write more stories like that.

A/N: If you have any questions about the articles, please write a review and I will reply. And I do NOT own the New York Times. I just picked that newspaper.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N; this is a run-off of Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography. It is comments about the pictures you should've seen that the helpful detective and editor wrote. And remember, if you have any questions, please send a review! (I am deperate…)

THE NY TIMES; ELEANORA HOE SECTION

COMMENTS AND REBELLIONS AGAINST THE LS SECTION.

Sorry, readers, that you have to read those dreaded editor and detectives babble with disgusting comments on masterpieces. Don't listen to that GOSSIP.

My boss won't let me fire them. I think that masterpiece by that Remi girl was fantastic! In my opinion, I think the editor and detective just want attention.

I never see the editor or detective in the office. I've never really seen them or heard them. But, that still gives me the right to fire them! And they don't have the right to not show up, and give out nasty rumors and gossip to you happy and gay fans and friends.

All the people in the office think that I've gone loco, but, no! I AM NOT GONNA GIVE UP! I know, I know. Living on cinnamon rolls and coffee isn't the best lifestyle. But, I need to prove that they are up to something!

I hope all of you will take my advice and throw out that "LS SECTION". Everybody says that I'm the worst on the job! Eh… Maybe…. LS and SL brainwashed all of my fans and friends! Erase the "friends" part, because this gal doesn't have many friends.

HEY! Don't print that! I'm going to get you, Alexa the copy girl! Get back here--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELEANORA HOE; THE GREAT


	3. Chapter 3

THE NY TIMES; THE JAY P. GOLD SECTION

COMMENTS ON THE ELEANORA HOE SECTION, AND HOW SHE STINKS!

Ello, everyone! Mates, this is Jay P. Gold making comments on "MRS. HOE THE GREATEST WEIRDO EVER". Sorry, but I have a short article today. But please remember to read all the listings of the next plays at the fabulous Golden Theater this month in the MODERN SECTION.

She is just trying to make the best part of the paper, "THE LS SECTION" look bad. She is a liar. Do not listen to her. Throw out her section! Farewell- but if you have any comments or questions, please e-mail me ASAP. Chaio!

JAY P. GOLD


	4. Chapter 4

A/N- Eleanora Hoe has some serious issues. This is Furshia D. Peppers doing the plays and movies Jay P. Gold talked about. Jay is either English or Australian. I don't know yet.

Disclaimer- I don't own The NY Times once again. Or Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography. I was just bored one day and decided to write about a debating newspaper. If you have read the book, Lemony Snicket is the dramatic reprter and Eleanora Poe is trying to fire him. But she isn't as crazy. She always disagrees with the reporter. But I just had to add in the helpful detective, SL. SL is his initails backwards. R/R!

THE NY TIMES; THE MODERN SECTION

FURSHIA D. PEPPERS

THE NEWEST PLAYS AND MOVIES AT THE FAB GOLDEN THEATER

On the first week of this month, October, we have:

Sunday 1st – Saturday 8th:

Hairspray (play+movie)

11:35AM- 8:00PM on the 1st

9:55AM - 12:09PM on the 2nd

3:58PM- 7:23PM on the 3rd

Finally, 6:00AM- 10:21PM on the 7th

Little Shop of Horrors (play+movie)

11:35AM- 8:00PM on the 1st

9:55AM - 12:09PM on the 2nd

3:58PM- 7:23PM on the 3rd

Finally, 6:00AM- 10:21PM on the 7th

Here's a new one in fact!

One Handsome Young Man Named Al Funcoot Who Married a Lovely Young Woman Named Sera Squlome(play)

11:35AM- 8:00PM on the 1st

9:55AM - 12:09PM on the 2nd

3:58PM- 7:23PM on the 3rd

6:09AM- 9:08PM on the 5th

Finally, 6:00AM- 10:21PM on the 7th

FURSHIA D. PEPPERS


	5. Chapter 5

A/N- Sorry if I keep saying things that will bore you. No wonder I'm not getting reviews! Anyway, this article may be random, but it's all I could think of. R/R! PLEASE!

Disclaimer- The dramatic editor is mine. So is the helpful detective. As well as Jay P. Gold, Furshia D. Peppers, and Eleanora Hoe. They are all mine. And if you don't like my stories, then that sucks for you.

THE NY TIMES; THE LS SECTION

BY; YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS+ YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

The plays and movies Hairspray and Little Shop of Horrors were excellent, but the play One Handsome Young Man Named Al Funcoot Who Married a Lovely Young Woman Named Sera Squlome was UNESSECARY! OBNOXIOUS! MADE ME NAUSEOUS! I HADE TO LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAY! (please do NOT call me for the end, I don't care!) YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

The atrocious "play" was about an anagram of a man named Count Olaf, whom you should fear, and an anagram of a beautiful, but vicious(looks can be deceiving has a purpose, you know!) woman named Esme Squalor. Squalor and Olaf are going out, but are not yet married(you should also fear of them getting married if you want the television screen in the master bedroom, the video game system your lovely children adore, and the sugar bowl you use for sweetening your Rice Krispies).( A/N- that was really random. Sorry). Just hope they don't have children! SHIVER. YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

The play states, if you listen and pay attention closely, brainwashes you into thinking of getting drunk, saying that Al Funcoot, Esme Squalor, Sera Squlome, and Count Olaf are rulers of the universe, and that you are working on the Transcontinental Railroad back into the 1860's.(A/N- that was really too random, don't ya think?). Finally, whatever you do, do NOT, I repeat NOT, read Eleanora Hoe's article today about how wonderful the play actually was and how wrong we were. But remember, "THE WORLD IS QUIET HERE".

YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS; AND YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

-Sorry for any mistakes! Please review!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N- God! I am so freaking boring! I am having serious issues right now! I keep saying things that even I could die of boredom from! Whoa... and know I'm having a spaz attack. I'm gonna leave so you don't have to hear it get ugly...

THE NY TIMES; THE ELEANORA HOE SECTION

COMMENTS AND REBELLIONS AGAINST THE LS SECTION

If you read the LS SECTION(which I hardly doubt you did) you would know that the editor and detective were right. I am going to talk about how wrong they were and how wonderful the play actually was. And also how Squalor and Olaf should get married, and they didn't make anagrams of themselves to brainwash you. And also that they won't steal everything in your house, or fear them. Ph! What a fake!

The play showed interest in getting married and the wonders of getting married. Not the junk the editor and detective told you wonderful fans.(OF ME, OF COURSE!) I know this is a short article, but that's all I have to say. I also have to watch out for Alexa, the copy girl, but I should be fine there otherwise. Bye!

ELEANORA HOE; THE GREAT

P.S.- Don't listen to Jay P. Gold either. He's also just trying to make the obvious best part of the paper, ME, look bad!-

-Okay, spaz attack over, but still! That was so freaking annoying! I hate being sick... -cough- -sneeze- Please review and I'll stop having spaz attacks.

Much love;;

Lili


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry if I am going way to fast on these stories, but I've already typed them all. I probably won't be publishing a lot for a while because of dumb school and I'm taking a long weekend. (don't ask why) R/R! -Lili

THE NY TIMES; THE MODERN SECTION

FURSHIA D. PEPPERS

THE NEWEST PLAYS AND MOVIES AT THE FAB GOLDEN THEATER

On the next week, we have:

Lemony Snicket's Corpse Bride (movie) (A/N- Ok. I know that isn't what it really is. I forgot the real dude's name Work with me people!)

9:56AM- 5:42PM on the 10th

8:00AM- 11:57PM on the 11th

7:55AM- 12:09PM on the 14th

Finally, 3:58AM- 11:58PM on the 15th

Fat Albert (movie)

9:56AM- 5:42PM on the 10th

8:00AM- 11:57PM on the 11th

7:55AM- 12:09PM on the 14th

Finally, 3:58AM- 11:58PM on the 15th

The Handsome Young Man Named the Hook- Handed Man (play+movie)

9:56AM- 5:42PM on the 10th

8:00AM- 11:57PM on the 11th

7:55AM- 12:09PM on the 14th

Finally, 3:58AM- 11:58PM on the 15th

FURSHIA D. PEPPERS


	8. Chapter 8

A/N- Nevermind. I'm bored and I am repling to Random Little Writer's reveiw by updating. (thanks for the review again) There's a reason why their last names are so dumb. TYPOS! DUH! Lol. Not really. It's only because that's what makes them funny. Enjoy this chapter!

THE NY TIMES; THE LS SECTION

BY; YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE; SL+ YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

(THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE HERE)You see, this is really interesting. Phillip "D-Dog"(WHY?) Lielo created this half and half painting. The reason I call it half and half is because it's good, but also too bright and colorful. At the moment, I'm a little neutral about it. I'll give it about 3 and a half, maybe four stars. I don't have the name of the painting because he didn't name it. (but why D-Dog?) YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

(THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE HERE)This is an okay painting. I'd give it the same review as the one above. Oprah W. R. Helfue created this painting on a 6 ft canvas. Most of the space was not taken up on the canvas. (what a waste!) YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

(THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE HERE)EWWWWW! DISGUSTING! Who uses orange and gray? Apparently Humberto HJKL. Sr uses orange and gray. And would somebody please do something different than an abstract design?! PLEASE! YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL AND YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

(THERE SHOULD BE A PICTURE HERE)This one was obviously done by a woman, but it's good. A little. Penny URTY. JR. made this ABSTRACT (why is it always abstract?) painting. We'd give it a thumbs up. (yes, only one.) YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS AND YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

- I got the "Humberto" name from when I was playing World Championship Poker on my friend's PS2. He and I were wondering why someone would want to named Humberto. I came up with this really big fake, manly name that made us crack up. And sorry to erase the joke that I put on my profile. My dad wouldn't let me keep it. Urgh... Anyway... read and review please!

Much love;;

Lili

P.S- but really- why D-Dog?


	9. Chapter 9

A/N- OMG! It let me send review to myself! Lol! Second to last chapter. I might as well just finish the NY Times and get it over with. That's all I have to say. I think. Wait- here's the more. This is basing on the MODERN SECTION you read before. Ya, the one when Lemony Snicket owned the Corpse Bride(but he really doesn't). Review me if you know the dude's real name. (Ha, that gives you another reason to review me! Lol.).

THE NY TIMES; THE LS SECTION

BY; YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS; AND YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE, SL

The paintings aren't the best, but the plays and movies?! EEWW! They could suffocate someone! Okay, they all weren't that bad, like Lemony Snicket's Corpse Bride. YOUR HELPFUL DETECIVE, SL

But Fat Albert and The Handsome Young Man Named the Hook-Handed Man were terrible! YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

Fat Albert I think, in my opinion, made fun of the channel TV Land, and obesity. Is it really possible for someone to pop out of a TV? NO!! I feel bad for all the people that watched it. YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

The Handsome Young Man Named the Hook-Handed Man was difficult to watch. It had a lot to do with Count Olaf and Esme Squalor. Count Olaf's assistant, the Hook-Handed Man, played the Hook-Handed Man. The Hooked-Handed Man's sister, Fiona, who played the dragon slayer named Riley, has turned down the safe side of life, and joined the evil side with Olaf's crew.

We hope you will take our advice. YOUR HELPFUL DETECTIVE,SL; AND YOUR DRAMATIC EDITOR, LS

P.S.- Once again, do not listen to Eleanora Hoe.

- I don't think think that Fat Albert made fun of TV Land or obesity. I just thought of it.

Disclaimer- I don't own Fat Albert or Something-Something's Corpse Bride. (work with me remember?) Sorry if you found it offenseve(I know I spelt it wrong, but I don't care). But the Handsome Young Man Named the Hook-Handed Man is mine.

Much love;;

Lili


	10. Chapter 10

A/N- Sorry, this is my last article. The New York Times has been sued because of calling plays bad (since when do people listen to Eleanora Hoe?). Just kidding! Anyway, I'm starting a new story called... I don't know yet. But enjoy this last bit of your favorite (ok, maybe not) newspaper, the NY times!

Disclaimer- People, just don't sue me. I meant it is a joke. They didn't really didn't get sued. And why would the Ox family get sued anyway? (if you didn't know, they started the NY Times)

THE NY TIMES; THE ELEANORA HOE SECTION

COMMENTS AND REBELLIONS AGAINST THE LS SECTION

Why does the editor and detective think that I am so stupid? Well, how a shamed they should be! And I am not being so ahead of myself….

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELEANORA HOE; THE GREAT

- Yeah, I cut her off. Get all your laughs out now becasue my story isn't as this one is(that was stupid to say get all your laughs out now). I think I'll call it All That we have Feared. It'll be suspensful. Hahha. Look out for it!

Much love;;

Lili


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